April 19, 2004

DoPJ: Department of Poetic Justice

The CEO of McDonald's dies of a heart attack.

OK, folks, again with the reality-reading-like-an-unsuccessful-story-pitch-to-The-Onion? The Confidence Man anticipates that in the coming weeks we shall read of the following executive passings:

-- Firestone and GM CEOs die in head-on crash

-- Blackwater CEO assassinated by his own mercenaries, whose services were sold to the high bid from a gentleman in a burnous

-- Halliburton CEO drowns in 50K bbl vat of crude oil

-- RJR Nabisco CEO dies of emphysema

Other items of note in this blind quote:

'News of the death of the CEO, known for his affable personality, shocked operators of McDonald's restaurants attending the franchisee meeting, which occurs every two years. "He was such a beloved character," said one McDonald's operator in attendance, who declined to be named. "People were actually crying."'

"Actually" crying? Why does this make me think of the "Waring Hudsucker merged with the infinite" moment?

A "beloved character"? Not as beloved as Hamburgler, Jack.

And ... f'r Pete's sake, why on earth would someone insist on giving this trite little anecdote on background?

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