January 29, 2004

Dubyathor, Steward of Midland?

Alright. I'm officially sick of all this talk of "stewardship" (of the economy, of pretzels, of giving demeaning nicknames to cabinet members, etc.).

Aside from the unnecessary and overly kingly (well, OK, overly Medieval Times-y) connotations, it's just silly, dammit. Who really talks that way, news anchors excepted?

Dollars-to-donuts this phraseology had about zero traction in the press prior to the first weekend box office figures from FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING.

Damn. I need a LexisNexis account.

Or William Safire with a chain around his neck.

Mmmm, William Safire with a chain around his neck ...

Whither Jibbenainosay?

Despite several untrustworthy eyewitness accounts of the Jibbenainosay flitting about down his native cane-break pathways, there has indeed been little news of him of late.

And the audience grows restive. I hear you, my flock; cease thy bleating. The Jibbenainosay has promised to shew his hand anon.

Meantime, he must needs continue to practice his heathen black arts in deepest secrecy.

Soon, my pretties, soon you shall see his handiwork. And weep. And wonder.

Croatan resurfaces

Alright. This is genuinely fascinating. Although I myself don't necessarily care to know anything more about "extraordinarily nimble clergy," I do want to know why the Occulted Murals behind the reredos have not been more common knowledge.

Given Your Humble Correspondent's proximity to the Occulted Murals, there really is no excuse for a firsthand accounting within the fortnight. Consider it forthcoming.

January 28, 2004

The RIAA Strikes Again

... or, Home Taping, er, um, Filesharing, no, ah, A Homeless Guy Toting A Padlocked Trunk is Killing the Recording Industry.


Wait. "None of the 33 rpm long-playing jazz and R&B records, CDs and cassettes inside were damaged"? Man. I gotta get me one o' them trunks.

Oh, and reminder to self: never ask the Oakland PD for demolitions advice.

Salutations and Prognostications

Greetings, one and all. Welcome to Croatan. Also known as Canaan, for those among you who would recognize it as such.

By way of introductory remarks and general place/time-setting, we have some preliminary biliousness to vent. To wit, anyone who believes that John Kerry will not be thoroughly Dukakisized by Karl Rove and the Cheney Cabal in a general election -- well, sirs, you are deluded fools. In other words, you have Confidence. Now give Kreepy Unka Dick your $20, and kindly step off the riverboat.

Now, we have nothing against the estimable solon from Massachusetts, and we will gladly grab the lever on his behalf come November. But note this well: with Kerry at the top of the Democratic standard, we will lose the popular vote by ~10% and carry only 3-6 states.

Kerry also effectively nullifies any sensible choice for no. 2. Dean -- the most suitable man to run for VP -- simply doesn't make sense as second banana to Kerry for reasons geographic, demographic, and temperamentalographic. Edwards has zero pull in a secondary position. Clark has somewhat more, but Kerry doesn't "need" Clark's resume in the way that the other candidates do. Graham, the "stealth Dean veep" candidate, might make some sense for Kerry, and we wouldn't be surprised to see him elevated, but great gosh-a-mighty, what a drab ticket THAT would be.

We're awful sorry, sirs, but Kerry is truly the most unelectable of the lot: a patrician, pontificatin' pseudo-Kennedy with an established hard-L liberal track record and a mug that looks like a cross between Andrew Jackson and Herman Munster. The man was MICHAEL DUKAKIS'S LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR, for heaven's sake. Yes, those are the footsteps of Willie Horton you hear ...

No, we must now hope and strive and pray for the Edwards-Dean ticket. More on our predilection for this exotic taste later.

For now, we have some further prognosticatin' to be done.

Two items, beyond our foreseen Kerry Fiasco:

1. On Day 2 of the Democratic Convention this summer, Joe Lieberman will announce that he is endorsing Bush; he may well even switch parties, but this, we feel, is less likely than his simple Zell-otry (or, if you like, Zell-ing out).

2. In the awful event that Bush is elected (yes, do note the absence of the "re-") this fall, expect Kreepy Unka Dick to remain in his role through October or November 2007, at which approximate time he will resign due either to cited "health reasons" or to an imminent manufactured pseudo-scandal involving relatively trivial Halliburton-related improprieties. Wee Brother Jeb shall then, in accordance with the 25th Amendment, be nominated and approved by Congress as VP, so that he may run for president in '08 as a semi-incumbent.

Note these points down well, gentlemen. For yea we have seen such things from behind our Veils of Exile.

So saith we.