January 28, 2004

Salutations and Prognostications

Greetings, one and all. Welcome to Croatan. Also known as Canaan, for those among you who would recognize it as such.

By way of introductory remarks and general place/time-setting, we have some preliminary biliousness to vent. To wit, anyone who believes that John Kerry will not be thoroughly Dukakisized by Karl Rove and the Cheney Cabal in a general election -- well, sirs, you are deluded fools. In other words, you have Confidence. Now give Kreepy Unka Dick your $20, and kindly step off the riverboat.

Now, we have nothing against the estimable solon from Massachusetts, and we will gladly grab the lever on his behalf come November. But note this well: with Kerry at the top of the Democratic standard, we will lose the popular vote by ~10% and carry only 3-6 states.

Kerry also effectively nullifies any sensible choice for no. 2. Dean -- the most suitable man to run for VP -- simply doesn't make sense as second banana to Kerry for reasons geographic, demographic, and temperamentalographic. Edwards has zero pull in a secondary position. Clark has somewhat more, but Kerry doesn't "need" Clark's resume in the way that the other candidates do. Graham, the "stealth Dean veep" candidate, might make some sense for Kerry, and we wouldn't be surprised to see him elevated, but great gosh-a-mighty, what a drab ticket THAT would be.

We're awful sorry, sirs, but Kerry is truly the most unelectable of the lot: a patrician, pontificatin' pseudo-Kennedy with an established hard-L liberal track record and a mug that looks like a cross between Andrew Jackson and Herman Munster. The man was MICHAEL DUKAKIS'S LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR, for heaven's sake. Yes, those are the footsteps of Willie Horton you hear ...

No, we must now hope and strive and pray for the Edwards-Dean ticket. More on our predilection for this exotic taste later.

For now, we have some further prognosticatin' to be done.

Two items, beyond our foreseen Kerry Fiasco:

1. On Day 2 of the Democratic Convention this summer, Joe Lieberman will announce that he is endorsing Bush; he may well even switch parties, but this, we feel, is less likely than his simple Zell-otry (or, if you like, Zell-ing out).

2. In the awful event that Bush is elected (yes, do note the absence of the "re-") this fall, expect Kreepy Unka Dick to remain in his role through October or November 2007, at which approximate time he will resign due either to cited "health reasons" or to an imminent manufactured pseudo-scandal involving relatively trivial Halliburton-related improprieties. Wee Brother Jeb shall then, in accordance with the 25th Amendment, be nominated and approved by Congress as VP, so that he may run for president in '08 as a semi-incumbent.

Note these points down well, gentlemen. For yea we have seen such things from behind our Veils of Exile.

So saith we.

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